New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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