I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
