just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
