K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
