I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
