I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
