I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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