if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
