i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
