i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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