Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
