you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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