There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
