so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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