When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
