Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
