my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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