when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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