It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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