No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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