...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
