Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How naked do you want me to be?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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