i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
