Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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