sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
