She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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