My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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