i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
