come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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