I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
