How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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