life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
