Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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