I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
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Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize