I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
