he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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