There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
