i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
