If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
