Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
