I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
