Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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