and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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