I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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