she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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