I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
