Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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