I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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