I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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