I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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