I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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