He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I love you.
Bad choice
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
