I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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