using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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