I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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