It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
