get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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