i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
