i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
