Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
