definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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