i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
